It's recommended that those of us who have suffered narcissistic abuse, seek help from someone who has experienced narcissistic abuse and has done the work to heal themselves. So, in the spirit of full disclosure, here is my story:
I got sober thirteen years ago in an anonymous 12 step program. Openly sharing experience in meetings is a part of the recovery program. In these meetings I heard stories from others about families reunited as a result of individual recovery. I came to want this, the acceptance of my family, more than sobriety itself. I spent the next decade chasing the love of my family and always feeling it was okay that I wasn't there yet. I had been a difficult teenager and an addict. Healing relationships takes time.
So, in my quest for redemption, I became a substance abuse counselor. I believed if I became the "best sober me I could be," my parents and my family would let me be myself. I came to learn, waiting for permission and acceptance to be yourself is it's own insanity. I gave my family my power and waited for their love in return. It never came.
I learned about personality disorders on the job. I came to realize I was wired to
"supply" Narcissistic Personality Disordered individuals without any
conscious planning on my part. Having learned this kind of wiring is the result
of conditioning through past relationships, I began to work with a therapist
individually and to uncover and heal from the abuse in my life. I came to realize I was involved in many relationships with abusive narcissists, and this was a pattern throughout my life.
These realizations set my second divorce in motion, and ended other relationships. But ending relationships was not all the work I needed to do. I had to do the work to reprogram the computer in my head. I had to let go of the thoughts and behaviors that resulted from continued participation in narcissistic relationships over decades of my life. I had to learn to disengage from toxic, and to respond, not react, to the narcissists who tried to keep me in the chaos they create. I had to drop the bag of bricks that didn't serve me and start to learn to live in a way that was suited to manifesting a peaceful and successful life. A life that did not include periodic mass destruction followed by a strenuous re-build. I had to learn to live for me without the constant distraction of managing an abuser. I had to heal, not because I am so enlightened, but because I just couldn't take it anymore. On a deeper level, I just couldn't convince myself I deserved it anymore.
My own healing journey consisted of multiple teachers, both traditional and metaphysical healers. I practiced yoga, meditation and learned reiki. I studied Buddhist and Christian philosophies around suffering, sin, relationships and the meaning of it all. I participated in traditional therapy and support groups. I learned EFT and mindfulness. I practiced and used therapeutic journaling and processing through letters and activities. These are the tools I used to develop my own program to share with others.
The twelve week program for survivors of narcissistic abuse
I offer is an intensive program. The goal is to bring healing, freedom, awareness, forgiveness and self love. The journey doesn't end when the abusive relationship does. This is when the journey begins.
It takes great strength to survive abuse. I believe every survivor deserves the right to enjoy and benefit from that strength. I am honored to serve survivors and committed to this journey of re-discovery.
Thank you for sharing in my story.
If you're ready, I hope to hear from you soon.