|Posted on June 9, 2015 at 7:55 PM|
We've all been there, right? Someone steps right over our boundaries or treats us abusively, and we're left feeling victimized and angry. Maybe we even told the person in the past what our boundary is, and still they wiped their feet on it! How dare they? How could she be so disrespectful? How could he do this to me?
The question is: How could we do this to ourselves?
Many of us are unaware of what it really looks and feels like to give away our power. I have learned, through uncomfortable practice and numerous mistakes, that every time I find myself in my victim pants, I put them on, willingly. Then I lied and told myself, as my light dimmed and I felt myself shrink inside, I was just "compromising," or "being nice."
My ego whispers to me, "Come on, don't you want to look like a spiritual woman? Don't make waves. Besides, if you do this, even though you don't want to, and it goes bad, you can blame the other person involved. It's a win-win!"
I know. I threw up a little in my mouth as I typed it, too.
We stay out of these circumstances by:
Always listening to our gut instincts. How many terrible days have you had that begin with: "So he said blah, blah, blah, and I wanted to go home right then, but I stayed and then he..." On goes the laundry list of his offenses. The only real offense is when we abandon ourselves by ignoring our instincts in the interest of, "being nice," which really means, “looking nice."
Owning the actions we take, in the moment. "I'm leaving because you are a jerk," is not owning, it's blaming. "I'm not comfortable, so I'm leaving," or simply, "I'm leaving," is owning it.
Remembering we are never required to explain our feelings. Another's acceptance of our feelings, or not, does not legitimize or discount them. Feelings just are. You can explain if you choose to, but you never have to feel obligated to.
Honoring the boundaries we have stated. "I will not continue to (insert boundary here)," should be followed up with our own action, not waiting for someone else to enforce our boundaries. How often do we tell someone we won't be doing something anymore and then get angry because they ask us to, or don't stop us from, doing what we said we wouldn't do? It sounds silly, I know, but you may be doing this and not even realizing it. I have.
Forgiving ourselves. We forgive ourselves immediately for the above miss-steps, or any others, that result in us feeling we have given our power to another. We learn what we can, we remember we are human and mistakes come with the territory. We can choose guilt or experience. Shame guarantees we will make the mistake again. By accepting the experience we learn to do better next time.
I should warn you. Practicing the steps above will; increase your self-esteem, decrease the drama in your life, increase your energy and positively influence your overall perception of life. You will stop fitting into your victim pants and you may experience impulses to burn them.
Go with it. I promise it's worth it! :-)